Anthro Major Studies Northwestern Students Studying

EVANSTON – Weinberg senior Allison Dinker has discovered that Northwestern students are a “disgusting and lazy breed of humans.” The anthropology major is currently writing her dissertation on a culture never before studied academically, NU students. She is conducting her research at the Northwestern University Library.

Dinker began her research last Spring, when she was studying for finals at the library. “I noticed that someone had etched some strange glyphs that spelled ‘ORGO SUX DIX’ into the desk in Study Carrel 3143A.”

Dinker soon began an investigation of every desk in the library. “I’m now trying to answer the question, ‘What can we learn about a culture by studying vandalized desks?’”

The results have been shocking. “The undersides of the desks are disgusting. I’ve found enough chewed gum to feed a camp of starving refugees for a week, several used Band-Aids, and a used condom taped to the bottom of a desk in 5 North.”

According to Dinker, NU students have devised some sort of communication system in the library as well. “Some people write encouraging messages, like ‘You can do it!’ That one really made me smile. Other students seem to be trying to meet other students and hook up; I’ve added 78 new contacts to my phone. And I even found a crudely drawn map of California, highlighting the Bay Area. But the overwhelming majority of inscriptions seem to be about how terrible studying and Northwestern classes are.”

“Clearly,” Dinker concluded, “the NU community is discouraged, sex-deprived, merely adequate at geography, and very fond of gum. It’s amazing students haven’t tried jumping down the library stairwell.”

Professor Marcus Applegate, head of the NU Anthropology department, remarked on Allison’s research, “Unfortunately, she’s what we call a ‘lost cause.’ Anyone who spends that much time in the library is not experiencing NU life. She might be devoting her life to studying NU culture, but she doesn’t understand it at all.”

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