Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies
PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza.
“Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.”
Cain apologized when one senior pointed out that people do deliver pizzas on bicycles.
The Republican candidate, who recently has emerged as a frontrunner in polls, was formerly the CEO of a Nebraska-based pizza chain and frequently touts his business experience as a credential in his campaign until yesterday, when his speechwriters ran out of pithy ways to relate running the United States to running a Midwestern pizza chain, leaving the 65-year-old man to fend for himself.
“Well, I got the name ‘Godfather Pizza’ from the popular gangster movie ‘The Godfather’, and I like to think that I’d bring to the American government the same kind of efficiency that Don Corleone brought to American organized crime,” Cain said, realizing quickly how fucking stupid he sounded.
“Sorry about that, everyone,” he added miserably.
Cain reportedly finished his speech with half an hour of vague metaphors relating tariff policies to pizza toppings, finishing by drawing a picture of a pizza on the whiteboard behind him.