Occupy Oakland Moves to San Francisco

SAN FRANCISCO – After protesting outside the Oakland financial markets for twenty minutes, the last businessman in Oakland stepped outside of his cardboard office and asked if any of the protestors wanted a job. In a stunning response, the protesters immediately left Oakland for San Francisco.

“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs,” said Sarah Smalls, a leader of the former Occupy Oakland movement. “All we’re asking is to make a comparable amount of money as the people on Wall Street without doing much work.”

Smalls also cited a startling inequality: highly educated people are making more money than those who are less educated or unemployed.

“We thought Oakland was the right place to protest because it represents everything that is wrong with America,” Smalls said through a megaphone in a one-on-one interview. “Its name is bland, its police are not the nicest people, and it is the setting of Moneyball.”

“And we just want some of those balls,” the reporter imagines she added.

While all of Oakland’s middle class, who were eating at Chili’s on Fourteenth and Fairmont, were happy to see the protesters leave, the mayor expressed his disappointment in a public statement released on MySpace.

“We are deeply saddened to see the occupiers leave. The movement was a real boon to our economy and helped reverse the population decline in the city. We hope the occupiers come back to protest. Compared to Raiders fans, they were quite civil.”

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