EVANSTON – In an attempt to increase dining hall attendance during the 7:30-11:00 breakfast period, NU Cuisine has hired a new PR team to revamp the image of the meal without actually spending any money to improve it.

“We’ve received a lot of complaints,” Allison dining hall manager Chris Hynde told me as we sat down for a shockingly expensive breakfast of greasy hash browns, stale Rice Krispies, and watery coffee.

“A lot of students feel that a roughly ten-dollar meal entitles them to more than bagels and orange ‘drink’, and I want these students to know that we’ve been listening. Starting immediately, students can look forward to the same Northwestern breakfasts they know and love, only with more cutesy catchphrases shoved down their throats! And it won’t cost a penny extra!”

Hynde invited me to preview the new axioms that will be placed in front of each breakfast item, starting with the mysteriously ever-present slice-of-bread “cakes” on display near the dessert trays in the corner: They look and taste like doorstops!

Other highlights included the canned, powered eggs served from the “hot” trays: We buy the cans from Mexico, so it’s technically foreign cuisine! ¡Huevos! ¡Ole!

Finally, I stopped to pick up an irregular, under-ripe fruit: You were looking for donuts? Really? Here’s an apple, fatty.

At press time Hynde was celebrating Northwestern’s victory in the PETA poll, eagerly anticipating the inevitable “Vegan Theme Meals” that would allow his dining hall to clear out its stock of cheap, inedible seitan patties on unsuspecting students.