President Schapiro Announces Reelection Campaign

EVANSTON — With his first four years in office coming to a close, University President Morton Schapiro publicly announced in a speech on Deering Meadow his bid for reelection to another term as President of Northwestern University.

Most pundits expected Schapiro to turn to reelection, and no other candidate has announced a challenging bid. However, Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be attacks upon my character and my actions over the past four years. There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”

President Schapiro’s four years in office have been controversial, and opponents are expected to analyze many of the events that occurred during the Schapiro administration. “Schapiro is certainly going to have to come up with a salient defense for his policies on tuition hikes and drone strikes,” said Political Science professor Andrew Roberts, “but what could really sink him is the tragedies that he allowed to occur during his term, mainly The Keg closing, Chet Haze leaving, and a lack of upward mobility in our US News and World Report rankings.”

While Schapiro currently runs unopposed, Roberts speculated, “I’d expect Pat Fitzgerald to run, even though we didn’t beat Ohio State. As an alumnus with a strong leadership record, he would definitely be a very dangerous opponent to Schapiro, who doesn’t have even a single degree from Northwestern. Well, he has an honorary degree from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. I don’t know if that counts. And, as with every one of these elections, Stephen Colbert will definitely be a dangerous write-in candidate.”

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