FDA Bans Sale of e-Cigarettes to Minors, Ensuring Minors Will Never Want to Try e-Cigarettes
SILVER SPRING, MD – Demonstrating their perfect understanding of the teenage mind, FDA officials this week banned the sale of e-cigarettes to minors, single-handedly ensuring that stubborn and rebellious middle and high-schoolers will not go out of their way to specifically try e-cigarettes.
“This is easily the best thing that could have happened to our business,” stated Sean Wain, CEO of e-cig start-up Burning Plastic Scent, LLC. Wain did not appear to grasp the devastating impact the FDA’s ruling could have on his business by prominently featuring his product in the news, and somehow attaching an air of danger and rebellion to a product that makes its users look like they’re smoking a fucking kazoo.
“At first we tried marketing the health angle,” Wain further explained, his sad naivety overwhelming the room. “We told people we were a ‘quitting’ aid, and that our product didn’t contain as many carcinogens as cigarettes, even though our materials are of questionable quality, and you’re literally burning plastic in your mouth every time you use one.”
“But now, we don’t even have to lift a finger! Smokers will come to our ‘rescue,’ purchasing our product purely out of spite for the ‘nanny state’ that’s encroaching on their right to poison themselves with disturbing rapidity!” Reporters present had no choice but to sadly shake their heads, pitying the oblivious CEO who refused to admit that the FDA’s prohibition of his product would have the same effect as the vitriol previously issued against “homeopathic” medicines and vitamins.
Homeopathic medicines are, of course, no longer sold in major supermarket chains and cultishly worshipped by consumers whose devotion to the product only hardens with each attempt to remove it from them.
In related news, area high schooler Max Alvarez spent an hour staring at his mirror last night, trying to convince himself that the e-cigarette hanging from his neck by a lanyard looked “kinda cool, maybe.”