REPORT: Grandma Doesn’t Trust “The Asians”
MADISON, WI – Upon returning home from the Christmas holiday, Roger Wallace, WCAS ’19, confirmed to local media that grandmother Danielle Seymour-Wallace is still “doesn’t trust the Asians.”
“I mean, what are you supposed to say?” Roger said. “I’m just showing her pictures from fall quarter, you know, me and my friends at the football game and everything. And all of the sudden, she points to my friend Lisa and says ‘what, is she a Chinese? I thought you went to a nice school.’”
According to highly-placed sources at the Wallace household, efforts first to explain that Lisa was in fact third-generation Korean-American, and not Chinese, that there is a difference between the two, and that Northwestern has a substantial population of international students, were all equally unsuccessful.
“I just don’t trust the Asians,” Seymour-Wallace told reporters at the pregame press conference at noon on Christmas Day. “They’ve got a real shady look about them, you know what I mean? Their eyes are just…” she paused to stretch the skin around her own eyes outwards and demonstrate her point.
The Thanksgiving meal itself was nearly derailed when Seymour-Wallace pressed her grandson for information about his dating life.
“Yeah, that was a close call,” said Roger in a Sunday evening teleconference. “Mom really dropped the ball on that one. Let it slip I’d been on a few dates with a girl who speaks Spanish, and we had to spend about ten minutes reassuring her that she wasn’t ‘one of those Mexicans.’”
Even these evasive maneuvers could not completely extinguish the awkward situation, as Seymour-Wallace switched to advising her grandson to “stay away from the slanty-eyed women, or one day you’ll wake up and she’ll have run off with your wallet. Or maybe even your kidney, I’ve heard they go after kidneys. The Asians are capable of anything.”
Seymour-Wallace gave no comment on her nephew Jack Wallace, who was arrested on DUI charges last week for crashing a John Deere Gator through the front window of the local BP, boasting a BAC of 0.251.