Public Masturbator Spotted in Evanston Foretells Six More Weeks of Winter
Just as the sun seemed to be peeking out a bit more, and the days getting brighter, a public masturbator was spotted in Evanston, foretelling six more weeks of winter.
“It’s unfortunate,” said local forecaster and professional dick watcher Quincy Cromwell, “but as the weather gets a little warmer, those little guys start poking their heads out of pairs of sweatpants on the subway, which we all know means snowstorms are a-coming.”
Public reaction has been disappointed and disgusted at the news. “You go almost the entire winter, and you think, ‘maybe this season I’ll make it through without seeing some dude Jack-Frosting it outside my dorm, but that’s just how March goes,” said one student.
Despite backlash, the public masturbation community has held true to its duty to the winter. Said one spokesman hunched awkwardly with one hand behind a podium Friday: “When you see us, it’s our mission to make you shudder in horror, AND shudder from the cold. None of you will beat the weather as long as you see us, beating our meat.”