Student Uncertain About Halloweekend Dates Drinks for Two Weeks Straight


Sophomore Reilly Bergman was found passed out in her dorm this Sunday after a whirlwind of drinking for Halloweekend every night for two weeks straight.

According to sources, Bregman decided to drink every night just in case it happened to be the correct one to celebrate Halloween.

“I didn’t know if Halloween was the weekend before, the actual night of, or the weekend after,” she explained. “But I didn’t want to miss out, so I figured better be safe than sorry.”

Although she maintains the belief that being under the influence caused little interference with her everyday responsibilities, those with whom Bergman interacted disagreed. “Reilly would walk into every lecture screaming ‘it’s hallo bitches’ and then proceed to get up and dance on a chair, usually while spouting something unintelligible about loving elevated surfaces,” described Professor Joe Whitman, instructor of Bergman’s 8 am orgo class. “It was very distracting to myself and the other students, that is, until she left the room to throw up in the hallway.”

Reilly’s roommate added, “Not only was she wasted every single night for two whole weeks, but she spent an absurd amount of money on liquor and different costumes for each night.” Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty ‘80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.

After the experience, Bergman stated that she has sworn off alcohol until she can once again drink responsibly. Immediately after, witnesses saw her pregaming last night before passing out in a frat basement.

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