EXCLUSIVE: Not My Relationship With Jessica, Apparently

Yeah, okay, maybe I haven’t been the best boyfriend. Maybe I’ve been controlling, but I don’t consider training a carrier pigeon to deliver you messages after you blocked me everywhere “obsessive and creepy.”  Maybe, and this is a big maybe here, I’ve likened your nether regions to Lunchables ham ‘n’ cheese crackers in the midst of cunnilingus.

And yes, perhaps you’re just keeping your options open because you “think you can find someone better.” Well, I have a little something to say to you, JESSICA — just because it’s true doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It’s not like you’ve been the best to me either. Remember that time we were making out and I complained about the size of your breasts and you actually got mad at me? Like what the fuck was that about? Sensitive much?

You know what? Fine, Jessica. We’re not exclusive. You made that plenty clear when you accepted that loser’s proposal during sunset at the lakefill. Whatever. Do what you want. It’s not like I care or anything.

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