Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses

Morty Shapiro is known far and wide throughout the land for his intense devotion to Northwestern University in all its aspects. And like a father who is not angry but disappointed, he has decided to punish Northwestern students with a 3.6% tuition raise for each game our lackluster basketball team loses.

ā€œWhile Iā€™m upset at what seems to be a clear abuse of power and my increased tuition, I totally understand where heā€™s coming from. We deserve this,ā€ solemnly commented Erica Katz (Bienen ā€˜21). Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, itā€™s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.

And while the consensus is that the extreme tuition raises are a terrible idea, some academics disagree. ā€œBy placing the entire universityā€™s financial future in the somewhat unwieldy, extremely long hands of our varsity basketball players, Morty is making a time-honored economic calculationā€ stated an anonymous economics professor. He then went on to say ā€œSometimes youā€™ve got to bet big to get big results. And if I, uh, I mean Morty, loses that bet, heā€™s fully willing to take on the consequences of delaying New Norris for another decade.ā€

Members of the basketball team (who are all on full scholarships) responded by looking around, shrugging, and losing the next three games by twenty points each.

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