Author Archives: Alex Finkelstein

Manti Te’o, Notre Dame Reveal God is a Hoax

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SOUTH BEND, IN — It looks like Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad have some explaining to do. God does not exist, and an investigation launched by Notre Dame University on December 26th confirms the news. The investigation was initiated after there was no Christmas miracle and Manti Te’o failed to win the Heisman. All doubt was removed after the heathens from Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-10 in the BCS National Championship. According to coach Brian Kelly, “Nobody is watching over us,

Read more No. 98, Sports

Michigan Passes Right to Twerk Bill

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LANSING, MI — Michigan recently passed controversial changes to the state’s Twerker’s Rights Laws and has the rap video ho community up in arms. Right to Twerk is an initiative that allows rap video hos to be selected off the street without having to pass through a standard audition process. According to rap video ho extraordinaire Ivana Humpalot, famous for having the credit card swiped through her ass in Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video, “Auditions involve sleeping with a member of

Read more Entertainment, No. 96, Politics

Top 10 Rejected Handles for the Pope’s Twitter Account

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VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently entered the Twitterverse with the twitter name @pontifex. The question remains: how did he choose this handle? The Flipside has received, from an anonymous papal butler, an exclusive list of the final candidates that didn’t quite make the cut. Here are 10 handles that the Pope unfortunately didn’t pick. Maybe they were already taken – the list did not specify, and we were too lazy to look it up ourselves. 1. @infallableoopsimeantinfallible 2.

Read more No. 96, Sci/Tech, World

Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter

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HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has

Read more No. 89, Politics

Northwestern Student Literally the Worst at Using Hyperbole

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EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.” Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole

Read more Local, No. 88
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