Author Archives: Alex Hampl

SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl. Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority

NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink

EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. “I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.” Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise. “For the first couple weeks, he just seemed