NU Women’s Basketball Promised Real Basketball To Practice With Next Year
Women’s soccer is now insisting upon real cleats in lieu of university-issued stilettos.
Author Archives: Alessandra Hernández
Hollywood Not Yet Sexist Enough, Plans To Release ‘12 Angry Women’ About A Dozen Jurors With Synced-Up Cycles
“Fuck you, Sheila, I can write women,”
Local Perv Excited For Mosquitoes To Suck Him This Spring
One uncomfortably-mustachioed student, however, looks forward to something a little different: the onset of mosquitoes sucking fluids from his body.
Student Who Tried Water Infused With Every Fruit That Went Bad In Plex Releases Memoir
Within the past two weeks, Ramos’s memoir has overtaken the previous local bestseller entitled How To Major In Theatre And Not Be A Loser: The Meghan Markle Story.
Student Makes Slightly Too Self-Deprecating Joke, No One Laughs
“I don’t know whether it was the timing, or the wording, or the fact that Eric’s grandmother just died, but for some reason, me ironically mentioning my desire to ascend from this mortal plane wasn’t well-received,” said the student at the heart of this unprecedented development, who wishes to remain nameless.
EXCLUSIVE: Not My Relationship With Jessica, Apparently
And yes, perhaps you’re just keeping your options open because you “think you can find someone better.” Well, I have a little something to say to you, JESSICA — just because it’s true doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem
Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy
Student Joins Campus Satirical Newspaper Instead of Seeking Therapy
“I can’t get out of bed in the morning, but you can bet that I’ll have a good time riffing off of that for the Flipside,” said Chen.
Northwestern Revealed To Be Located On A Tear In The Space-Time Continuum Where Sex Doesn’t Exist
The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, “We’re quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,
Local Dickhead Masturbates Over Colorful and Crowded Google Calendar
Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.