FCC to Mandate “Newspeak” Browser Extension
Under the regulation, every American will be required to use a browser extension that translates potentially subversive texts to politically acceptable language, to take effect February 25.
Author Archives: Alex Kurland
Demographically Clueless Republican Enters Evanston Mayoral Campaign
“I—despite being a straight, rich, white male conservative—feel like I can be the best ally to people upset at how the world chews up and spits out the little guy.”
Curious Sophomore Disappears after Asking to See NU Landscaping Budget
“There’s something huge in those files. Maybe it’s just that the landscaping contractors skim some off the top, but maybe there’s something they don’t want us to know.”
Trump Son-in-Law “Not Evil-Looking Enough”
Rated a solid 7 out of 10 for attractiveness by Vogue, Kushner seems to be able to get away with much more than the older, richer, whiter males.
Weinberg Junior to Attempt Eighth Different Note-Taking Method
Having already found that his grade decreases as his distance from the lecturer increases, Isaacs hopes to find a similar pattern through his increasingly robust data on what factors correlate most with success.
AP Calls Illinois for Clinton Before Polls Even Open
“It’s the AP’s journalistic duty to report news when it happens or when we make it.”
Area Senior Saved Drops for This Year
He has already completed his foreign language requirement, his major requirements, five of the six distro areas, and, for some reason, a minor in geography.
Paul Ryan Dutifully Picks Up Trump’s Dry Cleaning
“He seemed a little embarrassed about holding the bag.”
Area Parents Can’t Believe Son into Both Musicals and Women
“It was as if I had told them I wanted to have an abortion or transfer to McCormick—surprise, then a quick shared glance, then guilt, then forced smiles and a hug.”
Shepard Freshman Camps Outside Laundry Room with Big Fuck-Off Axe
“Oh, I totally intend to use this,” Ruben said when questioned about the fire axe resting on her lap. “Nobody is going to keep my three weeks’ worth of sweatpants out any longer.”