“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said surgeon Liam Docter. “We gave him enough anesthesia to paralyze a horse, but he just kept telling us that health care was a human right and that the current market did nothing but feed the pockets of fat executives.”
Author Archives: Ben Moskow
“From day one, we wanted to create a Dillo Day for everyone,” said Bailee
Golden, Mayfest’s Diversity and Inclusion chair. “Having the multi-lingual Duolingo owl as our ‘ethnic opener,’ if you will, is going to ensure that this Dillo isn’t just for privileged English-speakers.”
In situations where she might find herself saying, “you’ll never guess who’s going to be on the Main Stage this year!” or “Guys, I have literally wanted a Ferris wheel on the Lakefill since I was born,” she now just stands there without making a peep.
“Free speech white college kids may strive for, but much larger problems there are for us green-folk. Yes, hrmmmm.”
According to witnesses, Kushberg called for a brief recess in the Passover seder, then grabbed a bowl of bitter herbs from the seder plate, rushed to a dimly lit area behind the temple and took a bitter herb hit of Biblical proportions.
Imperfect Produce, the company that saved millions of fruits and vegetables that don’t conform to traditional fruit beauty standards from a life in a landfill, is back again with a new product. The company announced the release of “Rude Rice” earlier in the week. “Our new Rude Rice may not be as friendly as your average rice but we can guarantee that it tastes just as good!” said Imperfect Produce CEO Ginny Rice. However, those who have purchased Rude Rice
“It’s the perfect plan, really,” said the IFC president. “There’s nothing frat guys like more than cutthroat competition. I can’t wait to see them tear each other apaaaart …with the goal of increasing female safety on campus of course.”
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.
The dining hall at Northwestern’s Foster-Walker Complex has delivered once again, this time with a trailblazing vegan option: photosynthesis.
Each “inquiry” was immediately transferred to the trash on President Morton Schapiro’s laptop, which he allegedly empties every two hours because he “likes the sound it makes”.