“It’s the perfect plan, really,” said the IFC president. “There’s nothing frat guys like more than cutthroat competition. I can’t wait to see them tear each other apaaaart …with the goal of increasing female safety on campus of course.”
Author Archives: Ben Moskow
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.
The dining hall at Northwestern’s Foster-Walker Complex has delivered once again, this time with a trailblazing vegan option: photosynthesis.
Each “inquiry” was immediately transferred to the trash on President Morton Schapiro’s laptop, which he allegedly empties every two hours because he “likes the sound it makes”.
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
“If these walls could talk, I bet they’d be telling us that it’s okay to cry sometimes.”
At press time, the 40-year old man operating @myqueentorivega69 briefly considered getting a job before converting his fanpage to an iCarly account in hopes of regaining Davidson’s approval.
Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”