ASG Shuts Down in Show of Solidarity; Campus Appreciably Improves
Author Archives: Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino
Disillusioned Sophomore: “Man, But Actually, **** School!”
Area Freshman: “Welcome Week Wasn’t Too Tough, How Bad Could the Rest Be?”
Area Freshman Really Wishes CA Would Stop Hinting That Drinking in Dorms Would Be Slyly Overlooked
Rising Senior Full of Furious, Simmering Jealousy at New Freshman Class
Frats Jumpstart New Year; Skip Right to Grain Ethanol
Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer
EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles
New Meal Plan Aims to Increase Seething Hatred towards Meal Plan
By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq. EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus. “It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the
Brothel Rule to Have Little Effect on Actual Brothels
Senior Brothel Patron Rob Von Dud II In a recent legal brouhaha, the City of Evanston decided to begin enforcing an arcane “brothel law,” with Northwestern declining to contest the law and instead just taking it without complaint. The students, on the other hand, are far from satisfied, and have decided not to take it lying down. The law, which makes it illegal for more than three unrelated people to live together, will significantly increase rates as students race to
Flights Mysteriously Delayed In Moscow Airport, Passengers Disgruntled