Author Archives: Dan Weinberg

Univision Presents: Gobierno Estudiantil Asociado

SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck. Just as MartĆ­n Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby

High School Student Arrested, Deported, then Arrested Again

MIAMI, FL — Failing to learn from the example of Kiera Wilmot in Bartow, FL, a Miami student, 16-year-old Gabriella Silva, arrived at Vargas High School this past Tuesday with a water bottle filled with a mixture of household cleaning products, capped with aluminum foil. A reaction between the chemicals in the cleaners and the aluminum foil produced hydrogen gas and a resulting pressure build-up inside of the bottle. Eventually the top popped off in a firecracker-like explosion with a

A Review of Found: A Restaurant Fit for a Stefon

I just heard about this absolutely fabulous social house (itā€™s not the same as a restaurant, but I wonā€™t expect you to know the difference) from Stefon called Found. Once he said that it had both fried chicken and caviar on the menu, I knew I would die if I didnā€™t go there. So, this past weekend, my girlfriends and I decided to head over, and, let me tell you, it was the absolute best culinary experience Iā€™ve had since

Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated

EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. ā€œIā€™m not racist,ā€ the teen said. ā€œI just donā€™t think itā€™s fair that I worked so hard and still didnā€™t get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ā€˜60s were still in place, this never wouldā€™ve

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