“No chips, no beer, no music, and the host is irrationally afraid of sea lions,” wrote Melbourne about his lifelong friend and frat pledge, Frank, after not getting invited to the Beta Beta Gamma rager this past weekend.
The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.
The fictional, magically-adept children were blown away by Paxton’s ability to balance picking up her kids from hockey practice, and working overtime to pay for their private schooling.
It became more and more apparent that everyone there was only there to sing, between quietly clapping at each other’s numerous renditions of “Shake It Off.”
“You go almost the entire winter, and you think, ‘maybe this season I’ll make it through without seeing some dude Jack-Frosting it outside my dorm, but that’s just how March goes.”
Experts say that this newfound popularity with recently divorced fathers has been the result of an increase in microwave ramen and Easy-Mac prices across the country.
“Do they mean, like, 10% of the population of whales? Or like, do they mean they get to keep a flipper or something?”
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Rather than having to put in user details, the app uses the camera to do a facial scan and delivers a verdict of “Honey, No, Come on.”
