Author Archives: Jing Cao

The Flipside’s Best Ways to Accomodate Puerto Rican Star on the U.S. Flag

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO — Puerto Rico’s majority vote for statehood this past Tuesday raised perhaps the most unsettling question of the entire campaign season. For more than fifty years, the U.S. flag has represented an achievement in both symbolism and geometry, and in that light, a 51st star could be as controversial as Obamacare. We propose here the most viable solutions to this potential configurational cataclysm: 1. Combine the Dakotas, population now about the same as New Hampshire. 2.

President Obama Pledges to Eradicate Face AIDS

ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus. Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there

Dining Hall Nutritional Labels Make Dieting Easy

EVANSTON – Calorie-counting is difficult with foods that don’t come with nutritional labels. Fortunately, NU Cuisine makes the calorie information available to all Northwestern students, like WCAS freshman Ashley Eaton. She is determined to take full advantage of those labels to not only avoid gaining the freshman 15, but to lose it instead. “I’ve always wanted to lose the extra pounds and be the person I want to be in college,” Ashley explained. “And with all the healthy, low-calorie options