Author Archives: Justin Erb

Republicans Use Tupac Hologram Technology to Bring Back Reagan

WASHINGTON – After seeing the Star Wars-like hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur at Coachella, Republicans were so enticed by the technology that they decided to purchase their own hologram projector. Republicans are using their new machine in the GOP National Office to project Ronald Regan 24/7. Since last Monday, hologram Reagan has been repeating the phrases “Cut Taxes”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, and “Trickle-down economics is good economics!” When asked why the GOP made the purchase,

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman I know has told me how shitty the weather gets here, but I’m sure the snow will be awesome forever.” “Snow is so unbelievably fun,”

Fantasy Sorority League Sweeps Northwestern

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short. Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment

Newt Gingrich Leads Polls; Ron Paul Calls Next

WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events. “This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.” When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The