Morty Spills His Commencement Chili All Over Himself Before Big Speech
“I knew I should have put on my Willie the Wildcat apron before dishing out such a hearty bowl of chili.”
Author Archives: Michael Miller
Model of New Norris in Current Norris to Receive Tenure
“It was always there for me when I was struggling with a class or confused about just how much money new Norris is supposed to cost, and with tenure it can now help other students like me for decades to come.”
Stray Arm Dangerously Close to Becoming Raised Hand
“If Neal keeps resting his arm on the seat next to him without clearly propping up his head with his fist or something, then it’s only a matter of time before the professor asks him if he has a question.”
Model UN Report: Russian Federation Gets First-Ever Handjob from Mexico
“Neither the size of Powell’s dick in particular nor the horniness of the Eastern Bloc ambassadors more generally should take away from our efforts to provide security and prosperity to the world,” the high school senior said.
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
Student Who’s Watched 243 Hours of Netflix This Quarter Pissed about 30-Hour DM Commitment
“I mean, I feel like I could do DM in one afternoon and get the same out of it,” continued the same person who watched every season of American Dad at least three times.
Payphone in Norris About to Activate Sleeper Agent
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
NU Campus Tours to Eliminate Backwards Talking
“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
Report: Reflections in Kellogg Windows Look Like Your Ex
The glass ceiling in the atrium creates an image strikingly similar to your precious beau when they realized it wasn’t working between the two of you, and never would.
Februaryfest Forced to Cancel Winter Dillo for 17th Straight Year Due to Inclement Weather
“We take great pride in planning the largest student-run outdoor winter music festival in the country, but unfortunately, high winds, single-digit temperatures, and accumulated snow have forced us to cancel all scheduled performances.”