Area freshman Hugo Baxter officially hit rock bottom Thursday morning after he opened his email only to find a formal letter of rejection for a summer internship position at wildly mediocre children’s entertainment center and restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. Sources close to Baxter have shared that the Chuck E. Cheese gig was the last hurrah for the McCormick student, after a devastating fall quarter of rejections from all of Baxter’s dream positions at literally every single reputable firm under the
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“The last time I was this stressed was when I got a terrible registration time for winter quarter of freshman year and found out the only open classes I could take were Orgo, EA, and EECS 211.”
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”
Citing a need for more alone time and independence, Kent ended her arrangement with Dent on Wednesday, leaving Dent scrambling to figure out what he will do next year.
“I had to draw the line when he wanted to bail out of Math 220,” Kraps continued. “At that point, he was basically in SESP!”
“We just barely got out of there before Morty’s wrecking ball crew came in and demolished the whole frat quad.”
Northwestern prides itself on refining the most tantalizingly brutal method to this transition by giving freshmen an extended period of fun-filled programming, then immediately thrusting them into midterms.
“We’re looking to spread our brand throughout the entire campus and dominate dining services at Northwestern.”