World Cup Postponed After Ball Rolls Into Old Man Jenkins’ Yard
“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
Author Archives: Nathan Mostow
Student Asks Italian Professor for Extension on Day of Daughter’s Wedding
“It’s bad luck for a Sicilian to refuse any request on his daughter’s wedding day.”
J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why don’t you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Frontera Fresco In Norris Now Open Just 15 Minutes A Week
Beginning this quarter, the Frontera Fresco Mexican grill located in the Norris Center will now be open just fifteen minutes a week, from 4:30 A.M. to 4:45 A.M.
Bald Men Passing On Street Quietly Acknowledge Each Other
Multiple eyewitnesses observed the men exchange prolonged eye contact and a subtle nod as the sun glinted off their heads.
Fraternity Elbows Way to Intramural Basketball Championship
The player of the game was sixth-year senior Blake Peters, who finished with 22 points, 8 rebounds, 14 elbows, and 6 shoves.
Morty to Pat Fitzgerald: Please Stop Throwing My Shoes Over Telephone Wires
In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
Freshman Braces For Long, Brutal Season of People Complaining About Winter
“Everyone here says that the complaints I’ve heard back home are nothing compared to how much people complain during a real Chicago winter.”
Kentucky Gets Spectacular Last-Minute Victory in Bad Coaching Bowl
Stoops brought himself within striking distance by forgoing a game-tying PAT in exchange for a failed two-point conversion, then broke the tie by deciding not to go for an onside kick.
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”