“Nothing better represents the Dillo Day spirit than the Easter Island head that Squidward lives in.”
Author Archives: Richard Godsel
New Dating App Matches You with People Who Had the Same Version of the Gen 4 Pokémon Games that You Did
The app only requires you to answer one question: did you have Diamond or Pearl?
From the Archives: Ye Olde Candleshoppe in Evanston Doomed Following Implementation of Electric Lighting on NU Campus
Big time investment banker Mr. Maxwell Harrington said, “Fortunately, I can afford to purchase electric lights for my large, impressive house. The poor folk of this town are just going to have to make more money so they can ditch those obsolete candles.”
NU Researchers Discover Taking DMT Only Way to See the Invisible Spiders Crawling on Everyone’s Skin All the Time
A group of researchers here at Northwestern University has made a huge, and potentially frightening, discovery. Their report claims that there are thousands of invisible spiders crawling all over everyone at all times, and the only way to see them is to take the drug DMT. Foreseeing what they described as “ethical issues” with making civilian subjects take the drug, the researchers elected to perform the test on themselves. The scientists split into two groups, one being the control group
Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (“Blue Lightning”) at Dining Hall
A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
Plans to Include SpongeBob in Avengers 4 Canned Following Deaths of the Only Two People Who Wanted It
A previously unreleased concept art poster shows him alongside the other heroes with the tagline, “Forget Infinity War: Thisis the most ambitious cross-over in history.”
“He claims the buzzing soothes him, but the constant droning has barred me from sleep since this quarter started.”
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
“I didn’t want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”