Author Archives: Sam Gutelle

I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious

Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the

Morty Reveals Personal Ten Year Plan

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below: 2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush” 2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and

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