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Author Archives: Sam Gutelle

I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious

April 23, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

April 3, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

February 22, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

Gingrich Forgets to Mention Reagan in Debate Response, Support Plummets by 10%

February 1, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Uncle Mark Asking Me About Girls Again

November 21, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Morty Reveals Personal Ten Year Plan

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below: 2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush” 2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and

Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle One comment

Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Penn State Recruiting Class Shaping Up Nicely

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Autopsy reveals Gaddafi died after tripping over his own name

November 2, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

TRIPOLI – An autopsy performed on the body of Muammar Gaddafi revealed that the former Libyan premier died not from a gunshot wound as was originally believed but instead from blunt force trauma sustained when he tripped over the spelling of his own name. He promptly went tumbling down the stairs in his Sirte safe house, causing internal injuries from which he would not recover. One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing

Local computer systems analyst Bob to perform at Dillo Day

March 4, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

“Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know.”