Responding to Sadness that $5 Tuesday is Over, Morty Launches Invest $5 in Fossil Fuels Friday
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”
Author Archives: Shelby Schultz
Op-Ed: I Can’t be the Impostor, I was Filling Out my Daily Symptoms on the Northwestern Symptom Tracker App
Taking advantage of the popularity of Among Us, Northwestern has decided to create a similar game to encourage students to complete tasks that they usually avoid, such as signing up for the NCA career fair.
Local Man Disappointed He Can No Longer Shape His Entire Identity Around His Residential College
“Plus, when my professors asked me to introduce myself, I was so used to saying, ‘I’m Artie Jones and I live in Willard,’” said Jones. “It was tragic to have to say, ‘I’m Artie and I live in…Los Angeles.’”
Local Woman Blames Acne on Zoom Breakout Rooms
“It’s obviously the bad vibes of the breakout rooms that are conjuring acne on my face.”
Op-Ed: Thank God Dillo is Online, I Couldn’t Find Funky Shorts to Match My Rainbow Tube Top
I found the perfect rainbow tube top at Urban this summer. Ever since then, I’ve been looking for the right pair of funky shorts, to no avail.
Fox Donates Masked Singer Costumes to Medical Professionals
“We saw this as a great opportunity to take care of our medical heroes,” said Megan Locke, a producer on the show. “Plus, the free publicity doesn’t hurt.”
RTVF Major Replaces Classes with Criticizing Sister’s Tik Tok
“Wouldn’t you rather listen to a two-hour-long thorough analysis of the silent film The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari than watch a fifteen second video of a tween doing the woah?”
From the Archives: Y2K Poses Biggest Threat to Mankind in History
“I’m willing to lose all of my documents, memories and digital pornography if it means companies saving money that I will never see.”
98% of Chemistry Classes Fail Bechdel Test
I don’t think a conversation passes the Bechdel test if a man says, ‘but actually,’ every time the professor or I try to get a word in.
Americans Reject Subtitles, Unless It’s to Understand the Accents on Love Island UK
Americans embrace subtitles to understand terms like “pied off,” “factor 50,” and “grafting.”