Uggs’ New Line of Ice Skate Boots Are All the Rage on College Sidewalks
Category Archives: No. 101
Irate David Bowie Demands to Know Why Reporter Wants *HIS* Opinion on Gay Marriage in UK
Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel
EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. Presidentās tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new
Boy Scouts to Begrudgingly Allow Gays, But Blacks Are Back Out
University Shuttles to Run Only When Youāre Not There
EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when youāre not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. āPart of this new policy comes from the extra snow weāve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,ā said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. āBut itās mostly to build character.ā Colhoff said youāll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather
RIM Hopes New Brickbreaker Only Phone Will Increase Blackberry Sales
Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated
EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. āIām not racist,ā the teen said. āI just donāt think itās fair that I worked so hard and still didnāt get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ā60s were still in place, this never wouldāve
Diaries of Ten āBachelorā Contestants Contain āEerily Identical Narrativesā
AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the āone true love of [her] life,ā a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and āLive, Laugh, Loveā mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The
Sherman Ave Contributor Nearly Misses Deadline; Can’t Stop Laughing at Own Dick Joke
A Valentineās Day Poem
āI fucking hate Valentineās Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. Itās much more fun to be a whore, Thatās what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friendās fake – I donāt know how much more I can take.