The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
There’s an app for that. Also, a restraining order.
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
“It’s unfair that hardworking people are denied the right to stay here and help our nation,” said Jennifer Jones, a self-proclaimed diehard Belieber. “Justin Bieber came here to live the American Dream. Why should our country deny him that right?”
Since NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio earned the condemnation of millions of New Yorkers for eating pizza with a fork and knife, he has been on a quest to redeem himself as the champion of the middle class.
“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
“The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”
At first, Sanger was pleased with the amount of attention his carved swastika was receiving, but when he realized the reviews and comments about his art were consistently negative, his excitement quickly gave way to disappointment.