“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
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“My voice sounds really decent on an auto-tuned studio recording. Still, the acapella groups won’t accept me, even though at least half of them sound like you’re listening to an Instagram cover of Mariah Carey.”
“As a matter of fact, I actually thought someone had just sent us professional photos of a terminally ill person at first glance. But then, one of our interns played a video Preston sent us of him sitting still for 12 hours and it seemed like the perfect fit. What can I say; the kid’s a natural!”
Rumors about the film also indicate that the Joker has two moles by his left nipple.
“The entire process is really very simple,” explained a confused Cinemark representative, “we just send you a notification through the Duo app, drop you an quick email, ask you to fill out a supplementary google form, and confirm your identity through carrier pigeon. Everything is for your own security!”
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Hollywood Not Yet Sexist Enough, Plans To Release ‘12 Angry Women’ About A Dozen Jurors With Synced-Up Cycles
“Fuck you, Sheila, I can write women,”
As any divorced couple knows, a wedding isn’t all fun and games though. It is only natural for a couple to look at the mountains of food, hordes of dancers, and thousands of invitations–and then immediately look to their bank statements.
“Uh, he picked a card from Community Chest. It happens pretty frequently. Are you a real journalist?”