Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy
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NU administration reminds students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library
As midterm season begins, the Northwestern administration is reminding students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library. “Please be courteous to your fellow students,” said administration member Adam Harrison. “If you’re going to burst into tears at the thought of how hopelessly unprepared you are for your exam or just because of a general existential dread, please move out of the silent section.” The administration is asking students in the silent section to, at the
“It’s the perfect plan, really,” said the IFC president. “There’s nothing frat guys like more than cutthroat competition. I can’t wait to see them tear each other apaaaart …with the goal of increasing female safety on campus of course.”
“Blimey mate! You should’ve seen the look on those copper’s mugs when they budged up to my ID only to see that I’m bloody British. They were positively gobsmacked, I tell you!”
Sure, she’s a brainwashed, amnesiac alien soldier fighting an intergalactic war, but would it kill her to smile once in a while? The liberals are really pushing their feminist agenda here and it’s making me sick.
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
“These people,” he gestured vaguely around the packed basement, “they just don’t appreciate a good graphic tee.”
White Guy in Your Discussion Section Has Been Playing the Devil’s Advocate for a Little Too Long Now
“Tyler told us that he was going to argue that men were actually wronged by society – like, just for the sake of discussion. Then he started really overusing the word ‘actually.’”
BASICS also disclosed 87% of people who Juul will tell you about it immediately.
“I never thought this would happen, dude,” lamented Burt McDover, who looked after Post Malone’s head lice. “Posty said he just wanted to try taking a quick shower because all his buddies did it every day. It’s the newest trend, you know?”