In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore, Paula please let me talk to the kids. I’ve made mistakes. I know that. I’m not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldn’t have to get into college at 41, pretend to feign interest at the most tedious info meetings I’ve ever been to and go
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“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said surgeon Liam Docter. “We gave him enough anesthesia to paralyze a horse, but he just kept telling us that health care was a human right and that the current market did nothing but feed the pockets of fat executives.”
“Danger: Live Munitions and the Perfect Facebook Cover Ahead.”
Despite what she is calling a “minor inconvenience,” Nielsen says she is trying to look on the bright side.
When asked what he meant by this, Mr. Barr wasted no time responding, saying “mmmmmm those dirty, dirty Democrats want that juicy Mueller report.
“It took 100 agents with very cool magnifying glasses and two K-9 units to get the job done.”
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”
“Please, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah ‘Zac-Attack’ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!”
An aide to the Warren campaign said, “We’d like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ‘bod.”