“It took 100 agents with very cool magnifying glasses and two K-9 units to get the job done.”
Category Archives: Nation
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”
“Please, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah ‘Zac-Attack’ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!”
An aide to the Warren campaign said, “We’d like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ‘bod.”
Experts say that this newfound popularity with recently divorced fathers has been the result of an increase in microwave ramen and Easy-Mac prices across the country.
Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
“The kids are still going to be fucking hogs. We all know it. But now those kids are going to be fucking corn-fed hogs. Maybe even hogs grown in cages and forced to take growth hormones. Believe me, this university is going to see a spike in hog-fucking-related injuries.”