In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore, Paula please let me talk to the kids. I’ve made mistakes. I know that. I’m not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldn’t have to get into college at 41, pretend to feign interest at the most tedious info meetings I’ve ever been to and go
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“I hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesn’t even have fur.” He then added, “but I’m not a furry.”
Morty has seemingly become obsessed in the days since with ensuring NU continues to move up the rankings and has covered the walls of his room with charts, graphs, and… other things, trying to, umm, “analyze” what allowed us to move up.
The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew
Urkel has been locked 24/7 in a small, heavily guarded cell in a classified location, but his lawyers have reported that he’s enthusiastic that he’ll get off because “there’s always the next episode”.
“A din’t mean tae cause no ‘arm. A was jes’ ‘avin’ a bad dae!”
“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy. “I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman.
“He just kept saying ‘the p-value is above 5%, we just don’t have enough evidence to reject the null.’”
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.