Category Archives: No. 106

Alumnus Parent Says, “Well, When I Was Here,” For 56th Time During Wildcat Days

EVANSTON — Monday’s visit to campus for prospective student Adam Jarolds was highlighted by the merry musings of his father, Bill, a 1981 NU alumnus. The Grand Rapids, Michigan native spent hours regaling his son with stories of “his glory days” and his antics at “the good ole alma mater.” Between bites of breakfast, Mr. Jarolds recounted several of his college escapades, most notably “the time we lit a piano on fire and pushed it into the lake.” While his

Student Blood Donors Upset to Discover Donor Week Isn’t about Them

EVANSTON — When she first heard about Northwestern’s donor week, Weinberg freshman Susan Hamilton was excited about the recognition she thought she’d receive for her active participation in school blood drives. However, she was dismayed to find about that donor week was not, in fact, about those who have donated blood, but about those who donated money to the school. “How selfish can this university be?” exclaimed Hamilton. “I’m pretty sure blood donations have done much more for the world

Coach Carmody Fired after Mediocre CTECs; Coach Collins Vows to Do Better

EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collins’ press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketball’s CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since

Bayer Resumes Production of Zyklon B

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY — Citing huge untapped markets in the lucrative “Human Rights Abuses” subfield of their R&D division, pharmaceutical giant Bayer announced today that it would resume production of Cyanide-based gas Zyklon B, 57 years after former chairman Fritz ter Meer was convicted of slavery and mass murder charges for his collaboration with Nazi officials. Company spokesman Jonas Trumbauer delivered the news to investors as part of the company’s quarterly financial call: “Recent developments in Syria and North Korea have

Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. “It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.” Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL

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