No. 69 | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: No. 69

Pacific Ocean Invades North Korea, Kim Jong Il Threatens Nuclear Force

December 27, 2011 Samuel Howes Leave a comment

NORTH KOREA- On November 23rd, the nation of North Korea was nearly engulfed by the Pacific Ocean, becoming the most recent victim to rising sea levels this year. While most scientists have attributed this natural occurrence to melting ice caps and global warming, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il begged to differ, stating that he “often looks at the water, among many other things” and “had known for months that the Ocean was preparing to invade”. Fearing the Pacific Ocean

Man Gratifies Self In Shower After Fulfilling Workout

November 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more.”

Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism

November 23, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”

Northwestern Unveils New Meme Studies Major

November 23, 2011 Richie Hoffman 22 comments

EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes. This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes – which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined

Kristen Stewart Emotes in Breaking Dawn, Credits Method Acting

November 22, 2011 Susie Neilson Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart, star of the recently released Breaking Dawn film, has finally displayed some recognizable emotion other than apathy, The Flipside reports. Known for her unorthodox methods that generally revolve around an inability to portray human traits or emotions, Stewart has always credited her success to the techniques of method acting. Method acting, a practice first developed in New York theatres in the 1930s, involves deeply immersing oneself in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the portrayed character.

Newt Gingrich Leads Polls; Ron Paul Calls Next

November 22, 2011 Justin Erb Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — In the wake of Herman Cain’s sex scandal, Newt Gringrich has surged to the top of the polls as the new Republican front-runner for the 2012 election. Ron Paul, a longtime Congressman from Texas, is not happy with the recent turn of events. “This is bullshit,” says Paul. “My turn was totally after Cain’s.” When the campaigning began earlier this year, Michelle Bachmann was quick to call dibs on the leader position, winning the Iowa Straw Poll. The

NBA Players Locked Out of Car

November 21, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

Uncle Mark Asking Me About Girls Again

November 21, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

Teen Posts Angsty Song Lyrics in Facebook Status, Public Hails Creative Genius

November 21, 2011 Samuel Howes Leave a comment

CHICAGO- The citizenry of Chicago was struck with awe today as they read the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that 16 year old Roland Buchanan had posted on Facebook early this morning. At 8:15 AM, students at Evanston Township High School saw Buchanan typing on his cell phone during a math lesson. “That kid is such a badass,” reported Steven, a classmate of Buchanan’s. “Nobody uses their phones during a lesson. It’s totally against the rules.” According to

Rick Perry Can Only Name Two of the Three Primary Colors

November 21, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment