“No chips, no beer, no music, and the host is irrationally afraid of sea lions,” wrote Melbourne about his lifelong friend and frat pledge, Frank, after not getting invited to the Beta Beta Gamma rager this past weekend.
“We didn’t see the problem at the time,” The FBI announced at a press conference, holding a still-wet iPhone suspended in a bag of uncooked rice.
Apple took a proactive approach to solve this problem. The iOS 8.3 software update now includes purple, aqua, neon, amber, and grey dung for the enjoyment of the entire human race.
AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied
TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as “Brian,” is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhone’s voice-recognizing assistant. “It all started off alright,” Brian said, “I was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.” Brian says that he should’ve taken the phone’s first interaction with him more seriously. “I started it up, and the first thing it said was, ‘What’s your
Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years
Microsoft reps: “We were still recovering from Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”