budget | Northwestern Flipside

Tag Archives: budget

Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist

November 15, 2018 Christopher Li Leave a comment

The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I

Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap

November 12, 2018 Ben Moskow Leave a comment

Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.

Kellogg Renovation to Include Only the Finest Silks and Draperies

May 29, 2018 Alex Kurland Leave a comment

A tapestry depicting the crushing of a philosophy major’s dreams under the boot of market forces has already been put up in the faculty lounge on the third floor.

Northwestern Postpones Big Game Park Due to Budget Concerns

February 28, 2018 Michael Campbell Leave a comment

This setback comes after the delay of the new student center, forcing Morty to try and combine funding for the two projects by seeking out a donor with an interest both in improving the student experience and hunting exotic animals.

Morty Announces Plan for $80 Million Temple to Phaeraxys, Goddess of Construction

October 10, 2017 Nathan Mostow Leave a comment

After falling asleep during a board meeting, Morty explained that the all-powerful deity appeared in a dream and commanded him to build the 5-story, 30,000-square-foot temple.

Budget-Conscious Sequestrian Club Forced to Put Down Their Horses

March 2, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Congress to Prosecute Preteen Babysitters for Tax Fraud

May 12, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!” The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income.

Northwestern Accepts all 30,000 Applicants, Awards No Aid to Increase Budget

January 17, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – President Morton Schapiro announced Wednesday that the Admissions Office will not be printing out any rejection letters this year. Schapiro stated that the purpose of this decision was to “allow the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible.” His eyes then shiftily darted left-to-right several times, and numerous audience members swore that Schapiro said “Cha-ching!” Schapiro’s remarks were made in a joint press conference with University Director of Financial Aid, Carolyn Lindley. Lindley stated that