As the only satirical newspaper on campus, The Northwestern Flipside feels proud (and obligated) to nominate its first annual Homecoming Court and recognize the most notable members of the Northwestern and surrounding Evanston community.
“The Onion’s Tips for College Freshmen” was published to help the class of 2017 seem a little less awkward than the class of 2016 (we have character). However, for the latest litter of Wild Kittens, a lot of this trustworthy advice needs some supplemental information.
THE INTERNET — Incoming freshmen Kerry Stahlin and Nicole Silva officially became roommates yesterday. Silva quickly accepted Stahlinās offer to room together, a product of months of Facebook inbox flirtation. āKerry is just so me. I feel like Iāve known the girl my entire life,ā Silva explained. Although Stahlin and Silva have never met, their online communication clearly conveys that they are an undeniably perfect pair. The relationship began shortly after early decision letters were released. Silva messaged Stahlin in
“This is truly a remarkable feat by our admissions office, and I couldn’t be prouder of the group we assembled,” said Christopher Watson, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions. “We have new students hailing from the suburbs of Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.”
EVANSTON — Hundreds of waitlisted students stood outside Norris University Center on Monday, peering through the windows to catch glimpses of the Wildcat Days Activities Fair and other information sessions. Suddenly, Justin Star, a New Trier senior, felt a tap on his shoulder. āJustin Stein wasnāt impressed by the food at Hinman and isnāt going here,ā an Admissions Officer told him. āSo youāre in.ā Star rushed inside Norris. Not all waitlisted students were as lucky as Star. For most, they
WAUKESHA, WI — Jordan Stralisky was surprised to learn during Wildcat Days that the city of Chicago is visible from the Northwestern Campus. āWe drove like three hours to get from Waukesha to Northwestern, and on the tour we saw downtown Chicago from just outside Norris. I had no idea you could see Chicago from Northwest Illinois!ā Stralisky said. āI have family in Dubuque, so itāll be great to be just a short drive from the Iowa border in case
Hey guys! Sorry, Iām little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesnāt even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I canāt even tell you. (Except Iām going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ārents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, letās get schwasty.”
EVANSTON — At dining halls across campus, conversations among visiting prospective students soon transitioned from ACT scores and other colleges under consideration to the inevitable pressure to demonstrate how cool they are. Research from the Flipside Institute of Statisticology suggests that only one in fifty students will remember someone next year that they met on admitted student day. Some incidents of actually recalling the other personās name have been reportedāboth during Wildcat Days and months later. Facing these daunting odds,
Dedicated to the worldās proudest Dad WOW. This is so cool. This is the coolest ever. My daughter is the best ever. I wonder if sheās having as much fun as I am? I wish I was standing up front with her so I could ask! (My wife made me stay in the back with her because during our tour of UCLA, I pushed three accepted engineering students out of the way so I could stand right behind the tour
Hey everyone. Is this tour a snooze fest or what? Who cares about the number of libraries, weāre all just here to party. Am I right guys? Who am I kidding? Of course Iām right! I even let my daughter have a party last weekend because she told me she hated me! Hey Stace, how fugly is that girlās handbag? (I call my daughter Stace because, letās face it, you canāt call your bestie Stacey #ew.) Anyways, I heard there