Tag Archives: cocaine

New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.

Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of

Student Hides Microwave Inside 50-lb Bag of Cocaine for Winter Dorm Inspection

As winter break dorm inspections draw near, Weinberg sophomore Keith Harding announced plans to prevent his RA from confiscating his microwave by burying it inside a 50-lb bag of cocaine. “I really like the convenience of having a microwave in my room, but I’m technically not allowed to keep electrical appliances in here,” said Harding, a frequent re-heater known throughout South Campus as an instant oatmeal plug. “Boy oh boy, this ought to fool them!” Northwestern Residential Services acknowledged to