Op Ed: David Bowie Probably Won’t Headline Dillo Day
If they even got David Bowie, they would probably find some way to fuck it up. David Bowie’s time is precious and he would not waste any of it working with amateurs.
Tag Archives: Evil
Mick McCall Surprised to Learn He Not Defensive Coordinator
McCall, who’s in his eighth season with Northwestern, has consistently worked hard to limit yards gained and points scored.
REPORT: Grandma Doesn’t Trust “The Asians”
“They’ve got a real shady look about them, you know what I mean? Their eyes are just…” she paused to stretch the skin around her own eyes outwards and demonstrate her point.
Uncle A Little Too Interested In Your Hookups
Throughout Thanksgiving dinner, your uncle repeatedly led the conversation back to your fall quarter hookups, asking questions that nobody at the table wanted to hear.
Freshman Returns to Find Room has Been Turned into Sex Dungeon
After years of what Turman’s mother referred to as “boring, missionary sex,” she was finally ready to “take off the mom jeans and put on the edible underwear.”
ISIS Claims Responsibility for Student’s Panic Attack
Social media accounts linked to the terrorist group posted a statement that in part read: “let this attack be a message to all infidels and pre-meds: no GPA is safe from our jihad!”
NU Updates Graduation Criteria, C’s No Longer Get Degrees
The Northwestern Graduation Office recently passed a new bylaw stating that students who receive C’s will no longer receive a Northwestern diploma.
George R.R. Martin Kills Off Clayton Thorson
Sources are reporting Thorson’s roommate found his body and called the police at approximately 7:35 PM, Thursday evening.
Halloween Not Nearly as Scary as Constant Threat of Failure
Halloween, the scariest holiday of the year by a long shot, is widely considered by undergraduate students to be less scary than the constant, looming threat of irreversible failure.
Roommate Actually Does Care If You Hit the Lights
“Every night, he asks so innocently if he can hit the lights, and every night, I casually say it’s okay. But deep down, I actually do care.”