Freshman Grabs Ambitious Amount of Condoms
“I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.”
Tag Archives: Freshman
Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying He’s Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
Sorority Freshman Looking Forward to Ditching Fall Quarter Friends
“I really wasn’t interested in Greek life because it’s inherently problematic and built on a history of racism and misogyny. But also like everyone signed up and I totally didn’t want to feel like a loser.”
Freshman Plans to Ask RA to Formal
She keeps writing little notes with my name and sticking them on my door.”
Area Freshman Blushing after Being Asked to Dance Marathon
He has already texted his parents about his date, and he hopes to get coffee on the Lakefill with her before it freezes over.
Area Freshman Confident Dream Girl in Next Quarter’s Classes
“He’s trying to pretend he’s Romeo when he comes off as a coked-up Charlie Sheen every time he talks to a girl.”
Incoming Freshmen Surprised by Lack of Controversy on Campus
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Fraternity Pledge Not Drowning In Pussy Yet, Surprised
Sanders is allegedly bewildered by this turn of events.
Area Freshman Goes Home, Feels Smart Again
As she packed her bag to return to her rural Wisconsin home, sources report that she confided to a friend that she “feels insanely stupid” at Northwestern.
Freshman Already Claiming Winter Quarter Will Go Better
After receiving a B+ on her first assignment, Summers believes all she needs is a fresh start. “I just had to accept that this was a bump in the road,” she told her best friend Heather Heathers.