In an unexpected press release, God stated that he has become “sick and tired” of the “millions of prayers asking to release the trailer for the new ‘Avengers’ movie.” Earlier this week, a series of chiseled, stone tablets from Yahweh himself were found on the altar at the Sistine Chapel. Once they were translated from Latin, they revealed the Almighty’s distaste for his new workload. “Every single day, I sit and I listen to prayers asking the same things: ‘Can
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At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
“The sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, ‘why the hell not?’”
The prospies seem to act as if they were a swarm of locusts, reducing access to campus’s vital sustenance such as Starbucks iced coffee and Subway sandwiches.
“The Bible says I said ‘let there be light,’ not ‘let there be Ken Ham,’” God wrote in a brief statement to the press.
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
“Forget the body and blood of Christ,” says atheist church-goer Bobby Anderson. “Cookies and beer are way better.” The movement, which began in the United Kingdom as something for atheists to do on Sunday mornings until restaurants opened for brunch, is now a worldwide phenomenon.
“There is no meaning or hope in this universe devoid of stability, sacredness, and our best two players,” said Fitzgerald. “There is only the inevitability of misplaced anticipation and false prospect colliding headfirst with the reality of despair and inevitable defeat.”
Even though Cru’s rate of conversion has always been 0%, Cru has never given up knocking on NU students’ doors. Their mission is to spread awareness of a religion that is already practiced by 80% of the country and that is well-understood by anyone who doesn’t live under a rock.
God the Almighty became increasingly agitated as Tolbert entered Anthony’s dorm room, sans invitation, to begin a frank and invasive conversation about Jesus Christ.