Area Freshman Loses Wildcard, Keeps Virginity
Schwartz promptly began asking each and every stranger, “Are you my Wildcard? Are you my Wildcard?” Still, Schwartz sustained his virginity, whilst being bereft of Wildcard.
Tag Archives: nerd
Area Nerd Still in Search of Hogwarts Application
EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications. “Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how
Ugly Freshman Takes Free Condom for No Reason
Freshman Nearly Makes Friend
EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice. Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.” After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In
Nerd Picks Level 37 Half-Elf Half-Orc in Fantasy Football Draft
EVANSTON—In a move baffling fellow participants in his fantasy football league, Northwestern student James Johnson chose a level 37 half elf half orc as his first pick of the draft. Johnson, a newcomer to the world of fantasy football, thought he would give it a shot after having reached Level 70 on World of Warcraft on three separate occasions. “I was just bored of killing centaurs, leveling up, and constantly pwning n00bs”, he said. “I need a new realm to