Tag Archives: Romney

Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter

Leave a comment

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has

Read more No. 89, Politics

Campus Literally in Toilet After Debate Drinking Games

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep

Read more Local, No. 88

China Decrees All Sesame Street Episodes Must Include Chinese Lessons

Leave a comment

BEIJING – Chinese officials were surprised to learn Thursday morning that their indirect funding of PBS grants them the power to determine the content of Sesame Street episodes. Mitt Romney alerted the world to this fact during Wednesday night’s presidential debate, when he promised, “I will eliminate all programs that don’t pass this test: is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from China to pay for it? I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.

Read more No. 88, Politics, World

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, “Today, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Read more No. 76, Politics

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

Leave a comment

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, “I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

Read more No. 76, Politics

People Stand in Gym and Tell Each Other Which Old White Guy They Like Best

Leave a comment

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were. Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy. The old white

Read more No. 70, Politics
Recent Entries »