Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.
Morty will begin by sequestering all of NUPD (on and off duty) to blockade Sheridan from any traffic for one week before and after the parade
“We tried, we really did,” said BLAST president Anita Quizphe, WCAS ‘18.
The group has managed to expand their membership in the latest round of mid-midterm-season recruiting by an unprecedented three new members, only two of whom were Anglo-American.
“They were so efficient, the little rascals! They picked everything up, just like a person! But with the tiniest hands…!”
President Morton Schapiro, recently ranked “best current president of Northwestern,” told Flipside reporters after the dining hall report came out that he was happy to just be in the top ten for once.
“She just looked at me and said, ‘Deal with the grade you got or you’ll end up like the last one.’”
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
“We have only the finest and most authentic Chinese beer at this thing. If that doesn’t play out, pouring some soy sauce in Busch Light normally does the trick.”