WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What the American people want is a smaller government that taxes less and spends less. What President Obama offered us was a government that taxes more and spends less. What we got by ignoring him was a government that taxes less and spends less. What we got from him was the American dream—a government that cuts services and benefits until our nation can return to the predominantly agrarian country our founding fathers envisioned.”

Dr. Richard O’Malley, a political science professor at George Washington University, nevertheless saw this as a victory for President Obama. “In the last week, Republicans have proved to be remarkably inconsistent. They seem reasonable one day, finally saying that all people deserve marriage equality under the law, but then the next day, they cry Reagonomics and refuse to compromise.”

However, the cuts caused by the sequestration mean that polling places will no longer have the budgets to purchase ballots or polling machines, and voters will need to purchase their own supplies. Most states will require votes be written in No. 2 pencil on a three-by-five notecard, though the Florida state government announced it will accept votes written on the back of used bingo cards, while California voters will need to submit their votes with a special iPad app. Kentucky voters, meanwhile, will likely be able to vote by dropping whatever knickknacks they have in their pockets into appropriately marked bourbon bottles.

In response to critics who argued this plan could potentially disenfranchise millions of lower income voters, Mr. Boehner said, “That’s nonsense. Those people would not have been able to vote anyways, what with the Supreme Court poised to repeal the Voting Rights Act.”