“It’s not fair to think that taking away people’s rights to a Mouseketool is justified,” Scroogepublican Speaker of the House Cameron Pete said. “I mean, sure, they’ve led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of both children and adults. But what’s that in comparison to sweet, sweet Benjamins lining my pockets? Those uppity Daisycrats should learn some respect for our fine governing body — and the financial benefactors whose gracious hand controls all policy.”
Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed concern over this strategy of selection. “I’m just worried that if a Democrat wins, Republicans will throw another tantrum,” she remarked, trying to frantically re-download the app, but instead downloading Grindr. After hearing this statement, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert threw herself on the House Floor and began kicking and screaming.
Aiken pounded the competition week after week with top-notch speeches, rallies, and appearances. His opponent was less consistent, having a small number of impressive performances but many that were met with mediocre reviews.
Michelle Angelo, who volunteered during both of Obama’s presidential campaigns, said it was this kind of government she had envisioned when she first saw Obama’s “Hope” posters.
Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.
The Air Force, Navy, and Army football games were put into jeopardy due to the government shutdown that began last Tuesday. The upcoming match in Syria will continue the rivalry between the Army and nearly every team in the MEC (Middle Eastern Conference).
“I feel like we’re always talking about the debt ceiling and budget,” said Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-Indiana). “Is anyone else getting major déjà vu here?”
WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need
WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What
WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities. “I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators!