Category Archives: World

Op-Ed: To The Campus Coyote – Stay Away From Campus…Or Else…You Wouldn’t Want To Deal With Me On A Full Moon…

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“So, I heard there was a coyote running around campus the other day, wreaking havoc…heh…pathetic.” *I stand up from my chair, my large black boots hitting the ground. I have on a tight black top with a leather miniskirt and fishnets. I open my emerald green orbs and smile the smile of someone who is the opposite of sane.* “You want to know my name?” I growl. “Since when has any1 wanted 2 know my name?” “Most days, I lurk

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 387, Opinion, World, Year 16

Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?

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Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. He’s always introduced with the phrase, “It’s Dame Time!” and then he points at his wrist accordingly. It’s cool, it’s fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. I’ve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, “It’s Dame Time!”

Read more Ask Flippy, Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 386, Opinion, Sports, World, Year 16

Despicable Me 4 Trailer Reveals Minions Led The January 6 Attack

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This past Sunday, Universal Pictures released the trailer for Despicable Me 4, revealing not only the studio’s plan of milking this franchise until its teats fall off, but also the minions’ participation in the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. Recovered security tapes shows the small tic-tac-shaped insurrectionists using their overwhelming numbers to create a living ladder to scale the Capitol’s outer fences and swarm security personnel. There is also footage of the minions replacing historical artwork with humorless

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 384, Politics, World, Year 16

Diplomatic Agreement Reached: Piece of King Charles’ Enlarged Prostate to be Displayed in Egyptian Museum

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As King Charles sat on his secondary throne staring at his massive dick, he thought to himself, “Oi mate, those jolly blokes near the pyramids deserve a wank of me knickers.” With that decree, he contacted President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi to confirm the exchange.

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 382, World, Year 16

Book Ban Takes Effect at Schoolhouse Rock

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Famous for its groundbreaking junction of education, music, and, um, junctions, the iconic educational institute Schoolhouse Rock has come under fire for its recent book ban. The administration has begun removing a variety of books from shelves that they have deemed to be harmful to the student body, including To Kill a Mockingbird and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your LGBTQ+ Here.” In a press conference on Tuesday, the Principal of Schoolhouse Rock, Dr. Justin A. Bill, stated, “Our children should

Read more Business, Featured, Latest News, No. 381, Politics, World, Year 16

Spotify Wrapped Ruffles Feathers By Featuring Independent Taiwan as Location

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This past November, as we’ve seen so many times before, Spotify Wrapped took the world by storm with its sleek presentation style and the implementation of geographical identifications according to your listening habits. Some users, however, said they received an odd and politically contentious message that read, “This year, your listening took you places, and one place listened just like you: the independent nation of Taiwan.” Some of our readers may know that the political status of Taiwan is a

Read more Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 380, Politics, World, Year 16

Inclusivity Win! To Welcome in the Holiday Season, Michael Schill Googles Kwanzaa

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Now that your roommate has finally returned home from his Halloweekend bender at U of I, it’s time to get ready for the holidays. Reports say that Northwestern’s administration is well-aware of the impending season and is “itching to finally get some good press for the first time since we filled in that lake.” Exclusive reports from within the offices of the Michael Schill, famed cheese lover and pet sniffer, indicate that the institution would like to expand the festivities

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 378, Politics, Religion, World, Year 16
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