“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”
Category Archives: Business
“We are requiring BrewBike to close its stores in Evanston immediately because it is not essential now nor has it ever been essential”
They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius.
In all honesty, I don’t know what ComEd is. I think it’s something to do with carpentry.
On International Women’s Day, Boss Made Sure to Call female Co-workers “Sweetie” to Let Them Know How Valued They Are
On International Women’s Day, local boss Mitchell Dawson made sure to call his female coworkers “sweetie” throughout the day.
Greg Arridal announced that he was partnering with Morty Shapiro to start accepting Dining Dollars at his store and within the same day, every student had burned through all their dining dollars, and Arridal went out of stock within 3 hours.
“Please, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah ‘Zac-Attack’ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!”
A tapestry depicting the crushing of a philosophy major’s dreams under the boot of market forces has already been put up in the faculty lounge on the third floor.
“You see, if you draw this line here, and this line here, and then you move the point of intersection…” Rossi said, explaining why the man’s situation was a predictable result of the supply and demand graphs for labor.
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”