Category Archives: Uncategorized

Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana

Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiro’s much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: “After considering our budget allocations, we realized that we weren’t putting enough towards our students’ mental health. That’s why we’re encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go ‘Cats!” Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of “Lakefill

Not Getting that Chuck E. Cheese Internship is Rock Bottom for Area Freshman

Area freshman Hugo Baxter officially hit rock bottom Thursday morning after he opened his email only to find a formal letter of rejection for a summer internship position at wildly mediocre children’s entertainment center and restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. Sources close to Baxter have shared that the Chuck E. Cheese gig was the last hurrah for the McCormick student, after a devastating fall quarter of rejections from all of Baxter’s dream positions at literally every single reputable firm under the

TA Could Have Sworn Discussion Section Much Larger Last Week

Teaching Assistant Jeremy Walter could have sworn his discussion section had more students the week before. “I felt like last Thursday, the kids were fighting over the front row,” said Walter. “Now there’s only one row. Did I hallucinate all those other students?” Walter reasons with himself that perhaps he was more focused on his “killer slides” last week than on the crowd of students, and so his perception of the room may be distorted. “I was showing some videos

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