Next time you get a friend’s husband to cheat on her with you, perhaps try not writing about “Steve’s mind-blowing oral” on your sexual health blog.
“Her body may be slowly eroding, but that’s a-okay, because she definitely doesn’t have Strep!” said Dr. Lou.
All copies of those volumes too patriarchal to edit will be ceremoniously burned on the Lakefill every Thursday night between now and 2025, along with multiple bras and Josh from the Earth Science department who has manspread on the “L” one too many times.
It seems you have a quarter of minimal eye contact and awkward glances to look forward to.
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiro’s much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: “After considering our budget allocations, we realized that we weren’t putting enough towards our students’ mental health. That’s why we’re encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go ‘Cats!” Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of “Lakefill
Gibbons’ unfortunate sex-ring escapade is just one of many kooky accidents that befall directionally-challenged first-years.
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Area freshman Hugo Baxter officially hit rock bottom Thursday morning after he opened his email only to find a formal letter of rejection for a summer internship position at wildly mediocre children’s entertainment center and restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. Sources close to Baxter have shared that the Chuck E. Cheese gig was the last hurrah for the McCormick student, after a devastating fall quarter of rejections from all of Baxter’s dream positions at literally every single reputable firm under the
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
Teaching Assistant Jeremy Walter could have sworn his discussion section had more students the week before. “I felt like last Thursday, the kids were fighting over the front row,” said Walter. “Now there’s only one row. Did I hallucinate all those other students?” Walter reasons with himself that perhaps he was more focused on his “killer slides” last week than on the crowd of students, and so his perception of the room may be distorted. “I was showing some videos